Eminent Email

Have you ever had a hard time envisioning something? You know, rationalizing an idea that’s perfectly normal but just seems so…. well…. strange? I’ve been struggling with just that situation – ever since I found out that you can email the Pope! Yes, that’s right – the holiest of Fathers, the chieftain of the Church, his Eminence himself has an email address. I don’t know why I find this amusing – and startling, to a degree - but I really do. In spite of all the advances made in technology, there are always people that you don’t expect to be riding the wave. The current President of the United States, for one. I really never thought of Dubya as the type to be toting an iPod. Apparently, he received one as a gift from his daughters so that he could listen to music while he cycles. Probably helped him tune out Camp Casey, too. Music motivates the masses so why should he be immune? But he’s just so darn antiquated! I laughed out loud when they said one of the tunes on his playlist is “My Sharona.” I pretty much wore out my copy of that album as a teenager and the thought of Mr. President pumpin’ his little legs to the beat of The Knack just struck me funny. I almost felt bad when they said that one of his assistants is charged with downloading his music. I think he might want to leave that accomplishment off his resumé. Apparently, using technology and knowing HOW to use technology are two very separate things. Which brings me to the Pope. Try as I might, I can’t picture the man sifting through his inbox, boning up on the benefits of Viagra, deciding whether or not he should apply for his one-time free credit report or contemplating the current lack of calcium in his diet. I admit I’ve prayed for spam to die a painful death, Your Holiness, but it won’t happen in either of our lifetimes in spite of the fact that YOU’VE got some pretty lofty connections. Unless heaven’s hooked up with high-speed and a great firewall, I presume there will always and forever be an Official Papal Pop-up Blocker, additionally charged with Divine Deletions. All of this leads me to wonder exactly why one would be inclined to email the Pope. If something goes horribly wrong in my life, it’s unlikely that my first (or even my hundred and first!) thought would be, “Oh YEAH? We’ll just see about that! I’m going to email the Pope!” Do other people DO THIS??? “Dear Mr. Pope. My name is Johnny and I’m 9 years old. I want an Xbox. Can you or God email my mom and Santa Claus and tell them I can have one? Thank you very much” “Your Holiness: I’ve been playing the same lotto numbers for the past 47 years. I figure it’s about time I win. I think there’s somethin’ wrong with them machines droppin’ them balls. Please fix this by next week since I’m due to retire. Thank you very much” “Yo. Your Pope-ness! Put in a good word for me with the cute chick that sits in front of me in homeroom, aiiight? She won’t go wit’ me no matter what I do. Props to ma homey. You rock, dude. Rad hat. Thank you very much” There are dangers inherent in thinking we can “special order” guidance, understanding and intervention with the click of a few keys. This is THE POPE – not Miss Cleo! What’s next??? Pontiff by PayPal? Secure donations by Visa, MasterCard, American Express? Oh… my… word. I just checked. The official online home of The Pope is http://www.vatican.va. Not only do they accept the aforementioned credit cards – I forgot Diners! Ehhhhh….. forgive my discomfort with this whole idea. I do understand the value and importance of granting access to the masses. Using the technology available to us to reach out and touch every corner of the universe. It just reminds me far too much of Jim Carrey in “Bruce Almighty.” I guess I don’t want to wake up one day and find out that everyone else is praying by email and I’m still doing it the old-fashioned way. My dad used to tell me that a person didn’t have to go to a special building, at a special time, dress in a special way or only believe special things for their prayers to be heard. He said it was simply about faith. Regular, everyday, garden variety, unplugged faith… not fancy fonts and forwards. I’ll stick with that. Thank you very much.