The DIY Penis?

I really shouldn’t gloss over the newspaper. I have a habit of scanning headlines or making mental notes about things that others point out. I save the pages and read them in my abundant spare time. This past weekend, I noticed an article in The Gazette titled, “Russian surgeons grow penis on man’s arm”… and you KNOW I put that one aside for later perusal. Thing is, in spite of myself, I spent the rest of the day wondering why or how the hell anyone would grow a penis on an arm. Was this is a joke? Was this medically possible? Was someone trying to circumvent the embarrassment of catalogue shopping and plain brown wrappers by growing their own? (THAT would be a garden worth seeing -- would probably look like rigor mortis had set in after a rash of deaths in a strip joint). Maybe this was a burgeoning new industry! Viagra spammers everywhere were probably already rejoicing. Most importantly, could we get them grown to order? Once my practical side dispelled the notion that this was a business article (it WAS, after all, in Section A), I got clinical. Why the arm? Wouldn’t there be more practical places to grow a penis, if one were so inclined? I mean, flexible things that they are, they could certainly serve other purposes while they were being cooked, couldn’t they? Let’s see what springs to mind (yay! accidental pun!) in terms of advertising campaigns. “Tired of wishing you had an extra pair of hands? Need help lugging those extra bags home from the grocery store? New HIP PENISES can help! One on each side, ready to work HARD at making your life easier. Call today!” “All you photojournalists and paparazzi out there fed up with missing the great shots? Stuck at the back of the crowd behind those seemingly 7-foot orangutans blocking your view? Get the best HEAD shots with our new PENIS CAM! Grown on the top of your head, this little extender will give you that 7 or 8 extra inches to prop your camera up to just where it needs to be!” “Electronics enthusiasts rejoice! Never again lose your cell phone signal or radio reception. Our new SHOULDER PENIS will help you get the reception you demand! Customized 5 to 9 inch lengths to suit your geographic location!” Then, I read the article… and promptly felt pretty guilty. Seems this fellow, known only as Sergei, comes from some remote Siberian village. He’s already 28 years old and has never had sex due to his… um… diminutive genitalia. While they didn’t embarrass him further with specifics, the article DID mention that it’s “thought that one in 200 men are born with male genitalia less than 5 centimetres long when aroused.” Holy crap! That’s less than two inches. I guess that’s why they only THINK they know how many men are suffering with the condition. No guy I know has the balls (sorry!) to admit THAT! In an 11-hour surgery, for which they may want to contact Lorena Bobbitt as a future spokesperson, “plastic surgeons removed (his) undersized penis and stitched it to his left forearm, where they grafted on additional flesh and tissue taken from his inner arm.” If my male readers haven’t fainted yet, remove your hands from your groin and stick with me here. When it was all over, the reconstructed organ (which had grown to nearly 17 centimetres or close to 7 inches) was reattached. After putting up $2500 of his own money and taking the risk of living the rest of his life with no genitalia at all, if the surgery failed, it’s hoped that Sergei will eventually be able to have a sex life and father children. Bless you, Sergei. I hope you get your wish. I also feel a little sorry that, for the rest of your life, when people say “Hey Sergei! How’s it hangin’ buddy?” they are actually going to expect a demonstration.