‘Tis the Season!

No, no … relax… it’s not Christmas yet! It’s that “other” season that drains your bank account and turns your children into hyperactive little hairballs. Yes, it’s September and that can only mean one thing – back to school. A few days ago, the girls embarked on their new school year. I’m always sad when this happens… partly because I really do miss having them at home but mostly because it means (a) I have to get up earlier on a daily basis; (b) I’m significantly poorer than I’ve been all summer and (c) I’m now faced with creating about 400 reasonably interesting lunches over the next ten months – all of which will be made in the bleary-eyed, early morning hours since I can’t drag myself into the kitchen to make them the night before. Who needs “Zest” when you can have the other invigorating, 4-letter scent – TUNA! – first thing in the a.m.?! Anyway, on the first day of school, I dragged the older one out of bed at about 6:15 a.m. I made her bed – yes, I’m anal about things like that and will generally make a bed while the sheets are still warm from whomever I just chased out of it. I made her oatmeal. Don’t get excited – it was instant – June Cleaver, I’m not. I don’t don my gingham dress, pearls and apron until at LEAST noon. She was washed, dressed, and out the door for the bus, lugging her impossibly heavy backpack, by 7:15. One down, one to go. Before the clock has a chance to move to 7:16 a.m., the next child is awake. Grudgingly. Her place is set at the table, cereal and milk at the ready, and I’m still yelling at her to get moving. When I fail to hear the pitter patter of still-fairly-little-feet making their way to the dining room, I charge in threatening to lick her. I know how wrong that sounds but hold yer horses. One morning she gave me so much grief about getting up that I ran in and, before she knew it, I had yanked the covers off her head and I licked her cheek. She squealed all the way to the bathroom. I won :) At 8:10 a.m., we headed out for opening day. I have to say that I’ve never seen so many happy parents. Moms, giggling like kids themselves, toting their travel mugs and doing their damndest not to jump up and down. Dads, in work attire, looking at their watches and letting us all know that they are FAR too busy to be standing in the same line we are, waiting to match up our kid’s “space-themed sticker” to the poster board in the middle of the playground in order to unlock the mystery of the homeroom teacher. While my daughter and I stood around with the crew of the “NASA” homeroom, I started to look around at the other children. You know, the kids from “Mars” and “Venus” and all those other planets. At that point, I decided that the whole back to school fracas is actually quite hilarious. I saw one little boy running around, feverishly venting his excitement. Somehow, he lost his footing and toppled onto his back on the asphalt. Looking for all the world like a beleaguered little turtle, he was kicking his feet, waving his arms and pleading for his mother to get him up. I’ve been saying for years that kids have to take too much stuff to school on the first day but he proved me right. The weight of his backpack had him pretty much magnetized to the playground. Another boy was zooming through the sand near the swings with his frantic mother lumbering after him yelling, “Honey! Your shoes! Your new shoes! You’ll get them dirtyyyyyyyyy!!!” A little girl not far from us was sobbing hysterically for having fallen off HER shoes. Yes, you read that right – she fell off her shoes. I know I shouldn’t find that funny but who the hell buys heels that high for a first grader? You see… above all else… this is the First Day Fashion Show and it is, by FAR, the most amusing part. Oh… my… word. My brain knows that I took my daughter for her first day of sixth grade. My eyes were frantically trying to convince my brain that we were at Baby Hooker School. Trust me – this only happens on day one. Our school board is putting in place tougher and tougher dress codes. Apparently, they still need to bitch-slap the parents! I mean, who is buying these grade schoolers their platform shoes? Their mini skirts? Their flowy, see-through blouses? These kids spent their summer running around like barefoot little heathens and they show up on the first day of school looking like a cross between Pam Anderson and Anna Nicole Smith – minus the tits. Those are still on backorder.