This entry, brought to you by the letter “M"

I walked into a restaurant for dinner recently and immediately noticed a huge bird flapping frantically near one of the back tables. From my vantage point at the entrance, it looked for all the world like it was trying desperately to escape, yet was somehow tethered to its spot. It was then that I realized – this was no BIRD! It was a middle-aged woman and she was now seated, much to her chagrin I’m sure, with a rather large group of people, most of them male. Welcome to Menopause! Mother Nature’s a sick bitch, really. Probably because she went through it first and now she gets her kicks watching the rest of the female gender suffer. With a combination of empathy, fear and morbid curiousity, I watched the woman in the restaurant over the course of the evening. She took off her sweater, put it back on, fanned herself with her menu, ordered hot tea, took a walk outside without a coat in November – in Canada – and all this was routinely interjected with more flapping! She was a going concern and, I would imagine, exhausted by the end of the night. She tried her best to hide all this hustle and bustle from her dinner companions but any woman on the receiving end of the gale-force wind she was creating knew exactly what was going on… and sympathized. I was so freaked out at this glimpse into the future that I got online when I got home that night and I started researching symptoms of menopause. If I’m going to be out in public some day, flailing around like a disjointed Muppet on an episode of “Estrogen Street,” I’m damn well going to be prepared. Besides the delights that I expected (and have heard about from friends, relatives and strange birds alike), such as hot flashes and fatigue, I discovered these really FUN ones: -Tingly or itchy skin, described as feeling like bugs are walking all over you -“Buzzing” sensation in your head or a shock sensation under your skin -“Brain fog” or memory lapses Add to these the lovely prospect of weight gain, increase in facial hair, bladder control problems and changes in body odor and I’m thinking I’ll be a freakin’ shoo-in for the lead in Shrek 10, 11 AND 12!!!! I guess it’s no wonder that irritability, mood swings and anxiety are on the list. Who the hell can feel good about themself when they’ve got bugs crawling through their increased facial hair and their body decides the best way to deal with that is to self-electrocute?! Personally, I’ll be hoping the night sweats just wash ‘em away… and praying to the spirit of Jim Henson for the memory lapses to kick in!