Forget Venus and Mars

Someone near and dear to my heart celebrated her birthday recently. As she recounted how her husband had helped her to.... celebrate? .... it made me realize quite clearly that we’ve been misled by the whole “Mars and Venus” theory. In actual fact, when it comes to any special occasion, I think men are from Home Hardware and women are from Tiffany’s. Consider any relationship, past or present, and I dare you to dispute these observations. Man dates woman for the first time. Man “lets” woman pick up the check. Man thinks “I am respecting her, as an equal, in her right to share expenses”. Woman thinks “Cheap bastard. I’m not even worth the cost of a lousy dinner??!!”.... aaaaand we’re off to the races. Once entrenched in the dating game and suitably smitten, men usually start feeling inclined to “do something” to mark their territory... errrrr.... to show their affection for their new significant other. What do they do? Offer her a small but tasteful piece of jewellery? Tickets to a play she’s hinted a million times she would LOVE to see? NO! He buys her a stuffed animal. Don’t get me wrong – I quite possibly love teddy bears more than life itself but men seem to have a problem understanding the reason women like these things. We like “cute”... “soft”... “cuddly”... and we attach meaning to each one. They think we like stupid dust collectors to throw on the bed. Example – while dating as a teen, I took a liking to Garfield the Cat. Who didn’t back in the early ‘80s? Anyway, something about this goofy, ping-pong ball eyed cat, made me smile. A potential boyfriend decided to woo me with a gift for my birthday. Picking up the lovely ... umm... gift bag (which was actually the store’s shopping bag with a bow tied around the top), I could tell right away it contained a stuffed animal. I started to think “awwww how sweet... he bought me a Garfield!”. Well, imagine my surprise when I opened the bag to find a stuffed tiger. It was adorable but came with the following sentiment: “I tried to get you a Garfield but the one store I went to didn’t have any so I figured a tiger was close enough. It HAS stripes, right?”. Indeed. Score a 0.5 from the Canadian judge for effort. I truly think that a man’s heart is in the right place when he tries to impress a woman he cares about. It’s just a case of his mind seeing everything from HIS perspective. Example – he offers to take you out for a “nice lunch”. He takes you to Hooters. “For The Food”. His mind tells him you are buying this. His heart tells him he is treating you to lunch and you will, therefore, be flattered. Indeed. Ignore the artificially enhanced breasts serving your salad and score a 2.5 from the Canadian judge for not going back to work hungry. Now let’s assume you really love the big lug and you know that he means well. You just need to be patient. Your relationship builds and you’re happy. He’s happy. You learn to understand and accept that the phone call you waited for all night (that never came) was “pre-empted” by “The Game”. You never know WHAT game because, chances are, you just don’t care. From his perspective, it doesn’t matter that he didn’t call because he told you, after the fact, that he was watching the game. In his mind, you are fine with it and will not dredge it up three years later in the heat of an argument over why he never takes out the garbage. Score a 4.0 from the Canadian judge for his optimistic, although totally unrealistic, outlook. Home Hardware and Tiffany’s stick together through thick and thin and decide they are meant to be together forever. In spite of his lingering “fear of commitment”, he, WITH NO HELP AT ALL, chooses an engagement ring. He believes that you’ll never know the difference between a cubic zirconia and the diamond you’ve been dreaming of your whole life. He picks this moment to become a conscientious shopper. He imagines how your heart will soar when he tells you that your ring is “as big as the one the Ultimate Assassin wears on Wrestling Round-up every Sunday!”. Immediately after you say yes, he is overcome with such joy that he calls his three best friends and starts planning – in excruciating detail – The Bachelor Party. You needn’t worry about him obsessing over the million details of The Wedding though. From his perspective, this is “your day”, he will have no opinion about anything and he will stare glassy-eyed at invitation samples, cake designs and rental tuxedos. He will truly and honestly believe that the right answer to every question is “whatever you want is fine with me”. You will now have years of birthdays, Valentine’s Days, wedding anniversaries and Christmases together where your gifts may range from kitchen gadgets (“because you love to cook, don’t you honey?”) to weed whackers (“because I know how you love your garden, right sweetie?”) to candlelit celebrations over pizza and beer (“because that trendy new place you keep mentioning is just SO crowded and they make you stand in line!”). You’ll accept each and every gift.... not with resignation but with satisfaction in your heart because what you have come to realize is that – to men – a relationship really IS like Home Hardware. A huge space filled with everything they will ever need or want. They will dive right in - with absolutely NO clue what to do with any of it - secure in their perspective that we will always love them for trying. Score a perfect 6.0 from the Canadian judge for being absolutely right.