Tips for working moms?!

I’m always interested in articles about how to be an effective working mom without losing your mind. Sanity is something I aspire to regularly, yet achieve rarely. So, when I caught sight of a “tips” item on MSN, I immediately clicked on through. I read the advice… purportedly by a few mothers who “manage to keep it all together”… and have come to the conclusion that there are theories and there are facts. Paraphrased Theory #1: Wake up earlier. This will allow you to accomplish everything you need to do without interruption and get your day off on the best foot. Elaine’s Fact: Being awake at all is an achievement. When I finally tumble into bed at night, hoping against hope that no one’s going to wander in uttering phrases like “my tummy feels funny” or “I really tried to make it to the bathroom,” the last thing I’m thinking about is how early I can get up. Sleep is a very precious commodity to a working mom (and we’re ALL working moms, no matter what the statistics say). Much as it seems logical to get up and get things done before anyone else is out of bed, I’m less bitchy if I get 30 minutes extra pillow time. Paraphrased Theory #2: Get yourself ready before anyone else. This will allow you to get out the door, to wherever you need to be going, on time. Elaine’s Fact: The purveyor of said theory has never been remotely close to a child. No matter where I have to go or what type of clothing the jaunt requires, I will never – and I do mean NEVER – dress before my kids. Over the years, I’ve been spilled on, puked on, had my nylons shredded by toys, pets, and overly aggressive furniture or had my boobs leak out darling wet spots – long before I can get close to the front door. While I do agree with showering and doing hair and/or makeup in advance, I’ll stick to my “what-the-hell-is-THAT-stained” bathrobe until I can make a clean break for the car. Don’t even ask what I wear when I’m working at home! Paraphrased Theory #3: Take advantage of your travel time to catch up with your friends by cell phone. This allows you keep in touch between lunches with the girls. Elaine’s Fact in Two Parts: Part 1: Who the hell has time for lunches with the girls? Well unless the girls are under the age of 15, I suppose, because I seem to spend an inordinate amount of time “doing lunch” with my girls. The lunches just end up in bags and I end up never wanting to see another sandwich for as long as I live. Part 2: Travel time + cell phone = accident waiting to happen. Admittedly, though, that is a fabulous theory if you take public transit and like to annoy the snot out of everyone sitting or standing within earshot. I know there’s nothing I love more than hearing a gossipy, giggling chick on the bus in the morning when I’m struggling to recoup that 30 minutes of sleep I sacrificed by trying to subscribe to Paraphrased Theory #1 (see above!). Paraphrased Theory #4: Skip television. There are many more productive things to do with one’s time than watch TV – like volunteer work. Elaine’s Fact: Television? What’s that? Oh yeah! That’s the satellite bill I pay every month! Seriously, the only time I spend watching TV is (a) when Buffy isn’t on (or my older daughter will have my head on a platter – didn’t they write that into one of the episodes??); (b) when AFV isn’t on (or my younger daughter will threaten to get out the video camera next time we’re anywhere near a pool or beach); or (c) when I’m folding laundry (which, judging by the number of loads I do, should be about 98% of the time) … and I never even got to volunteer for the job. Paraphrased Theory #5: Simplify your make-up. Consider skipping mascara. Elaine’s Fact: Thanks ever so much!!! You just saved me about a minute and a half. Maybe now I can squeeze in a nap.