Man Flu

There's quite a number of seasons, beyond the obvious four, according to my TV. There’s “allergy season,” “cold season,” “baseball season,” “hockey season,” “barbecue season” and so many more. But then, there’s this other one – and no one seems to mention it. It’s called “Man Flu Season” – and it seems to run on a continuous loop. In my mind, there are only two possible reasons that no one’s talking about this never-ending epidemic. It’s either because (a) there are more female broadcasters on the stations I’m watching and they’re so sick to death of it that they can’t even spew out the words or (b) there are more male broadcasters on the stations I’m watching and they’re in such deep denial that they won’t admit it exists. For those of you yet to be enlightened (and that would mean you’re either under the age of about 12 or you firmly believe the entire human race is female), Man Flu will henceforth and forever be defined, in the Encyclopaedia of Elaine, as: “Man Flu: n. A chronic disease affecting the human male, roughly two to three times per year. This disease is entirely unlike anything affecting the female of the species. The female cannot remotely comprehend the degree to which the male suffers. The male is totally incapacitated to the point of being unable to work, eat, walk, talk, or think during the Man Flu period. His abilities are limited to sitting, reclining, sleeping, grunting, groaning, whining, yelling, demanding, sniffing, snorting, farting and, on occasion, horking a loogy. During the Man Flu cycle, the male is hungry (then isn’t), tired (then isn’t), thirsty (then isn’t) and irritable (then is, and IS and IS AGAIN!). It is apparent that, among its afflictions, Man Flu has a retrogressive element. Fully grown or physically matured human males gradually return to a more primitive form of their being, generally referred to as childhood. During this mutation, the male becomes confused and sees every human female as his mother. For this reason, the male may be apt to believe that he is no longer responsible for any aspect of his own care. Formerly capable of orchestrating dinner for a family of four, he continually weakens to the point of being unable to pour a bowl of cereal. In the worst-case scenario, he may attempt to breastfeed for sustenance, thereby enabling him to consume essential nutrients in an entirely prone position. For the human female, it is physically, emotionally and intellectually impossible to understand Man Flu. Males have proven consistently, since the dawn of time, that females contract nothing in the realm of Man Flu. Females suffer from sniffles, occasional aches and pains or perhaps the slight stinging sensation or light cramping that males have determined to be associated with labor and childbirth. Females will never be struck down by the inhumanity of being unable to taste their food or being unable to get 12 hours of sleep because their nasal passages are congested. Females (wives and mothers, in particular) are - quite miraculously - never afflicted with any illness or discomfort lasting longer than approximately 2.3457684 hours and said illnesses are fully treatable by uttering any one of the following instantaneous cures: (1) “So, what’s for dinner?” (2) “Don’t I have clean socks yet?’ or (3) “Oh… you weren’t napping were you?” Man Flu enters frequent dormant phases during which time the male appears to return to perfect health. However, be warned: unexpected complications or recurrences may surface with alarming speed – usually surrounding such gravely stressful situations as having to go to work when there’s a “BIG GAME” on pay-per-view or having to visit elderly relatives in or out of nursing homes. For further references and learning, human females should consult 1 - 800 - MOM - IF - HE - DOESN’T - GET - OFF - THE - DAMN - COUCH - SOON - I’M - GOING - TO - CRAM - THOSE - SNOTTY - TISSUES - ALL - THE - WAY - BACK - UP - INTO - HIS - BRAIN. Toll-free.” Oh, and in case there’s any doubt, my human male (aka husband) has a cold.