No Excuses!

“I didn’t do it!”... “That’s not mine!”... “It’s not my fault!”... “I’m not losing my mind!”. Oops! Didn’t mean to say that last one out loud. It’s a little game I play to remind myself that I still have a grasp on some level of reality. Just when I think I’ve heard all the excuses, another one pops out of someone’s mouth. Raising three kids - well, in all honesty, two kids and a husband - I tell myself I’ve heard ‘em all. Excuses are as predictable around here as rain on the weekend, empty toilet rolls and starting your period on your wedding day. You just know they’re going to happen. Everyone goes through life hearing the classics like “the dog ate my homework” and “the check’s in the mail”. My family is so much more creative and original. Lunch bags don’t get lost - someone steals them. Apparently, there’s a gang of nylon and velcro addicts getting their fix at my daughter’s elementary school. I must be buying the low-grade, “street lunch bags”, though, because they inevitably show up a day or two later, in the strangest places, having been rejected by the juice box junkies. Homework never gets forgotten - the high-schooler wants to make me feel loved by phoning within an hour of leaving the house and inviting me to hand-deliver her assignments to the school office. I’ve decided she’s either extremely proud of Mom showing up in ratty sweats and bed-head or she thrives on hearing her name announced over the intercom. Then, there’s the hubby... he never breaks anything, forgets anything, slams anything, stinks up anything or loses anything. “It was an accident”. With the number of times I’ve heard that excuse, I’ve become convinced that either he needs a bigger vocabulary or I’m going to need better insurance. So, all things considered, I’ve decided that Moms should have excuses too. Why do we have to be dependable or reliable - or at least look like we’re paying attention - ALL the time?! In fact, we shouldn’t have to find our own excuses either - we can just toss theirs right back at ‘em! If they work for everyone else, then in all fairness, they must work for us too. Them: “Mom, where’s the clean laundry??” Me: “I didn’t do it” Them: *dazed and bewildered* Them: “Mom, why is there still all this stuff all over my room??” Me: “That’s not mine” Them: *somewhat indignant* Them: “Mom, there’s nothing good left to eat!!” Me: “It’s not my fault” Them: *stupified and starving* Him: “I’ve been checking the calendar... and uh... shouldn’t you have... you know.... STARTED by now?” Me: “Sorry honey... It was an accident” Him: *turns several shades of green and hits the floor in a heap of quivering, pre-partum panic* Of course, none of these little scenarios are true. We Moms take our jobs, families - and birth control - seriously. We do our very best to always accomplish everything that is expected of us, and more. We NEVER shirk our responsibilities. Like now, for example - dinner’s done and that pile o’ pots and pans is screaming at me from the kitchen sink. I would never leave them there until morning and, say, curl up on the couch and watch tv instead. Not like someone else in this.... ACK!! OH NO! Whatever shall I do? "THE DOG ATE MY... DISHTOWEL!!" Well now, doesn’t THAT just mess with my schedule?! Off my couch, kids, and go take your baths. Honey? Fork over that remote and doesn’t the trash need to be taken out? Me? Oh, I’m just going to stretch out here and...ummmm.... “re-assess my priorities”. That’s right. There's no rest whatsoever for the weary moms of this world - and absolutely, positively NO excuses.