My Halloween Lament

Well All Hallow's Eve is quite nearly here and children are wailing the same cries this year - "I need a great costume... it's gotta be cool... it's my one day to dress like a hooker for school!" "It's gotta be sexy... I hafta be HOTTTTT...." In other words, everything they're usually not?! Little girls get all freaked out and break down in tears finding out that their boyfriends will be Britney Spears!! Dressing in "booty shorts", singin' Britney tunes, stuffing their new bras with PUDDING BALLOONS! Then a million more chicks will be Avril Lavigne such an army of "punk posers," the world's never seen Eminem, Kelly Osbourne and Paris Hilton to boot all of this struggle for one night of loot But it's not about candy, the treats or the tricks it's about grabbing the interest of all the boys'....... hearts? Whatever happened to the innocent fun? The laughter as up and down the street we would run harassing a parent, a sibling or friend Let's do JUST one more block before the night's at its end! Somehow I mourn for the innocence lost Have you bought costumes lately??? Have you SEEN what they cost??? Forget the bunny outfit that your daughter still fits in the kind of "bunny" she’s planning is about SO much more skin Teasing and taunting every boy on the block Gauging the reaction she gets from his............. heart? Well this Halloween I will stand at my door with a huge bowl of chocolate bars, Twizzlers and more waiting patiently while the Kellys and Britneys come 'round watching pudding-filled "breasts" going SPLAT! on the ground saving the best of all the candies I've got for the one little angel who just isn't "HOTT" for the one little cowboy, so quiet and shy HEY NOW! I tell ya... that's my kinda guy I'll wait for the ghost, for the goblin, the clown not the swarm of "streetwalkers" invading my town for the excited young child, not the horndog grown teen who just grunts when I wish him "Happy Halloween"

And I Thank You

To those of us “north of the border,” Monday is a special day. It’s Thanksgiving, to be exact! Before he moved up here, the American-born love of my life asked me “What the HELL do ya’ll have to celebrate Thanksgiving for in the first place?! Thanksgiving is an AMERICAN holiday!” What a turkey… ;) I asked him, in return, “Did you enjoy all that fresh corn on the cob you ate over the past few months?” He did. “Did you notice all the tomatoes and beans and peppers I’ve been bringing in from the back yard?” He did. “Did you appreciate all the nice produce they sell at the farmers’ market we shop at almost weekly?” He did. HELLO! Thanksgiving celebrates a successful harvest, honey. As long as we’re eating something other than snow and recycled beer cans we, too, are thankful! I went on to explain that, the reason we celebrate earlier is theoretically because our harvest takes place earlier – being situated farther north and all. Personally, I think we just needed a valid excuse for another hangover and there was too much of a dry spell between summer vacation and Christmas... but that’s just me. So kids here too bring home the obligatory “no, it’s NOT just a tracing of my hand... it’s a TURKEY, Mom!” art projects and some of us cook a big dinner and see the family (and it ain’t even somebody’s birthday!). We call this Thanksgiving. No parade with floating cartoon characters big enough to give any child nightmares for a year and no jolly old guy dressed in a red suit and white beard at the end. No. No. NO! Good grief! WE try to conceal the fact that Christmas is coming until at LEAST the middle of December... less time for the kids to write a wishlist long as your arm and twice your annual net income. But then, I will admit.... part of me is jealous.... you all start celebrating around November 25th and party straight on through ‘til the Baby New Year wets his first diaper! Americans also have this other charming Thanksgiving tradition that we hear a lot about.... the idea of going around the dinner table with each person naming things they are thankful for. I must admit that we don’t do that in my house either but the idea intrigues me. So, I thought I’d have some fun and come up with a list of my own this year. Seeing as how it’s not really my tradition, I thought I’d speak on behalf of women, in general, and even take some liberties with my list. I’m only sharing it here and not around the dinner table -- something else that American hubby will probably be thankful for! -::- A Woman’s Thanksgiving -::- Looking back over the past year, I am SECRETLY thankful for: ~ the dolphin tattoo on my butt that still doesn’t look like Moby Dick ~ breasts that do not reach my waist... even sitting down ~ construction workers who still make rude remarks when I walk by ~ my favorite jeans – that I can still zip up even straight out of the dryer and without having to lie down on the bed ~ no frustrating games of hide and seek with my navel ring ~ still being a natural blonde ..... * ahem * ~ always being naturally tanned ..... * cough * ~ having a choice about what jiggles when I walk ~ the ability to laugh and sneeze without nasty repercussions ~ microwave popcorn, Baked Lays and diet soda AMEN!