Get the message?

What is with some business people and their outgoing voicemail messages? Have you ever been subjected to someone’s life story, when all you really wanted to do was leave your name and number after the beep? “Hello, you’ve reached the voicemail of Bob Smith. I’m sorry I’m out of the office today. I am doing some incredibly important business in our secondary facility in Shaboogamoo. I will be checking voicemail approximately three times a day, in between my critically important meetings with the upper echelon of management there. If you leave your name, number and a detailed message, I will decide if you are worthy of a call. If so, I will reach you via my Blackberry™ because I’m cool that way. Alternately, you may get a reply from my secretary, simply because I want you to know that I have one.” Sigh. SO much more than I need to know. I don’t care if Bob is the CEO or the cafeteria maintenance person. If I’m calling him, I have his number and there’s a reason I need to speak to him. He doesn’t have to try so hard to impress me. This isn’t a pissing contest. You see, I’m self-employed. An independent contractor who works each day from the “home office facility.” My outgoing voicemail message is a polite but short blurb, apologizing that no one is currently available to take your call but inviting you, if you wish, to leave a message after the tone. This seems adequate to me and equally appropriate for a business or personal call. I got to thinking about people like Bob. Some corporations do indeed require that their employees leave their availability or “current status” in their announcement. I get that. Hell, I’ve DONE that. But, in many cases, people really just want to try to make an impression on their captive audience. Since I work from home, I figure I could make a wonderful, albeit LINGERING, impression if I left outgoing messages truthful to my "current status” at any given moment. Being serious, dedicated and a professional in all aspects of my work, I’d never really do it… but here are some I’d secretly just LOVE to try out: “Hello and thank you for calling. I am out of my office today and working from the dining room table facility. Please leave your name and number and, as soon as I find the cordless phone, I’ll call you back. BEEP!” “I’m sorry I’m not available to take your call right now. I’m currently hard at work, in collaboration with Proctor & Gamble. I have about six loads left to do and then I’ll return your call. BEEP!” “Hello. I am currently unavailable to take your call. An unexpected scheduling conflict arose when Fido decided to yack all over the home office carpet as I was about to start work. I will call you back after I disinfect my hands and settle my stomach. BEEP!” “Hello. I truly wish I could take your call. Please do not take this message to mean that I am uninterested in your new project, as I would dearly love to accept it. However, I am currently stuck entertaining yet another drop-in visitor who refuses to believe that “work at home” really does mean WORK at home. I will return your call as soon as I’m done looking bored, distracted and repeatedly checking my watch. BEEP!” … and, last but not least… “HELLO BOB. Thank you for finally getting around to returning my call. I’m sorry I didn’t have the luxury of waiting around for you to reach the lower “echelon” of your pecking order. Part of the reason I work from home is so that I can be productive, avoid unnecessary meetings and sleep-inducing lunches, and actually accomplish what I need to do each day. Following that, I attend a critically important, daily meeting at the dining room table facility – with my family, who seriously outrank you, Bob… because they’re cool that way. BEEP!”