Church of Bob

So, I'm standing in the kitchen, at 9:30 in the morning, putting dinner in the crockpot. Like everyone else, at this point in the year, I'm feeling the time crunch now. Running through my To Do list in my head, I'm jolted by the (uncharacteristically early) ringing of the doorbell and celebrate the occasion by slicing my finger on the lid of the can of tomatoes I was opening. A few celebratory words cross my lips as I think, "Who the HELL is ringing the bell at THIS hour?!?!?" Then I remember!! I've done some online gift shopping and, according to the websites, they have either done their "arrival scan" somewhere or are "in transit," so I find myself almost skipping gleefully to the door. Expecting my usual delivery guy, who I lovingly call Dumpy Grumpy in my head, I'm momentarily shocked to come face to face with an extremely handsome, well-dressed man ... oh and I think some other guy was standing with him. My peripheral vision was doing its damndest to stare at the cute one too, so I can't be sure. "GOOD Morning!" says McHunky, flashing his megawatt smile. "Blahgerblippfty," I manage in reply... but I smiled so the stammer doesn't count. McHunky asked how I was doing today and I said "Fine, thanks - but I'm working and really kinda busy right now." McHunky's still smilin' away and I think The Other Guy nodded. Peripheral vision grudgingly caught some movement over in that general direction. By now, I've done the female's "split second assessment" of McHunky's hair, REALLY dark eyes, and his impeccable clothing. Peripheral vision reported in later that The Other Guy might have been wearing black. In spite of his rather captivating appearance (and a sudden very clear awareness of my fleece pants, tshirt and bleeding finger), I find myself snapped back to reality by the Lightning Bolt of Oh Shit! - LBOOS, for short. Ladies and gentlemen, the pitcher winds up and heeeeeeeeere's the throw... "We stopped to visit you today because we know, at this time of year, many people are looking for ways to embrace Bob." NO, he didn't really say "Bob" - but for the purposes of my story, let's say that hottie believer (and The Other Guy) were representing the church of Bob. I immediately interjected a little more of my blather, which came out something like, "Ohhhh... I'm sorry but... umm... I'm really just... uhh... not interested today. Thanks all the same, Happy Holidays to you and take care," as I was slowly closing the door. LBOOS struck again and I thought, "Well dang - does the church of Bob even HAVE holidays?!" Peripheral vision was reporting in that The Other Guy was nodding sagely, probably thinking "Fine... *sigh*... we've heard that same thing five times already today. I'll be off to nod, in the glow of McHunky, at the next door." McHunky said something like, "Oh well, all right then. Maybe we'll see you again soon." I briefly toyed with letting him know he and his megawatt smile were welcome to stay on my front porch, just so I could open the door and look at him from time to time, but I knew that was going to get me another LBOOS, so I refrained. Now... here's my issue. This "time of year" or any time of year, I am not looking for help to embrace Bob. Bob's Believers (which suddenly sounds like a barbershop quartet or the "helpful team" from the local building supply store) know this. How do they know this? They know this because I have TOLD them... repeatedly. Yet they still come. First, they arrived speaking a language I told them I didn't understand (I do... but it seemed more polite). Then, on several occasions, they arrived with a very old man, in a smart blazer and tam, chest covered in medals. He needed help just to get up my few front steps. I thought he was a representative of the local veteran's group but no... LBOOS!... he wanted to enlighten me about Bob. I really did want to help him back down the steps, though. Well, NOW, the church of Bob is hauling out the big guns and sending out McHunky (oh... and The Other Guy). Dirty pool, I say. How can ya NOT open the door to THAT? *sigh* Bottom line, I don't have any issue with Bob... or Fred or Dave or any others with a faithful following. It is every person's inherent right to believe what they believe. I think I've had many conversations with Bob - indirectly, of course - and probably a great number for which I'd have to apologize. Thing is, Bob didn't send the LBOOS any of those times. I truly believe that Bob... Fred... Dave... all of 'em... understand me. They understand that, at "this time of year" and ANY time of year, I live the best life I can. My devotion to those I care about knows no bounds. I give to others as much and as often as I can, but never sacrifice the needs of my children, who I love unconditionally and without end. I am clear on my morals and conduct myself accordingly. I believe I'm a good person, with the best of intentions... and, if I should step out of line, I know that a LBOOS to my ass (WHOEVER SENDS IT AT THE TIME) will put me right back where I need to be. And I am fine with this. I would like the church of Bob to be fine with this. I would also like to run after McHunky, waving a bottle of wine and a Barry White CD... *zzzzzzap!* OWWWWWWW!!! Damn that hurt.

Walmart Wonderland

Hello everyone! I know, I know... you thought I dropped off the face of the Earth, didn'tcha? For reasons that are too long (and certainly too boring!) to explain, let's just say I took... hrmmm... a REEEEEALLY extended coffee break. If you know me, then you know the amount of pee time that generates MORE than accounts for where I've been ;) Thanks very much to those of you who still read and left comments while I was gone. That means the world to me! Since I noticed there has been an uptick in hits to my previous holiday posts, I want to believe ya'll are feeling festive. Of course, that leads me wonder why you're reading blogs instead of dragging your arses into those storage rooms and haulin' out the decorations ... but I'll assume you just need a little inspiration :D So here, for your singing pleasure, is a nifty little ditty to get you rolling. You can thank me later for the ear worm. No, no! NOT the crusty, rolled up, dried out thing that you found under the Christmas tree box. Jeez. It's one of those tunes that gets in your head and, try as you might, you can't shake the damn thing out... well, go ahead and try this... you'll see what I mean *grin* Walmart Wonderland (sung to the tune of "Walking in a Winter Wonderland") You wake up, it’s December! Must have slept through November The panic sets in, it’s Christmas again And you head off to the Walmart Wonderland On the way there you’re jiving To Christmas tunes, while you’re driving Convince yourself with a grin, “Christmas SPIRIT kicked in!” As you pull into the Walmart Wonderland In the parking lot, there are no spaces You drive around just looking for one more Park in back with all the tractor trailers Then find out you missed a spot right by the door (ARGH!) You walk in, spot the greeter (That smiley face - can you beat her?) Grabbing a cart, your mission you start Shopping at the Walmart Wonderland Wander aimlessly for hours Through toiletries and CD towers “Next time,” you insist, “I’ll shop with a LIST!” To survive a day in Walmart Wonderland As you stare at the shelves, you get why Santa has elves To avoid the time in Walmart Wonderlaaaaaaaaand (You're welcome :) Now doesn't decorating seem much more appealing? *wink*)