An Independent Contractor's Christmas

WHEN did it become winter? Yeesh… I look up from my computer (to which I am chained for more hours a day than I care to admit) and BOOM! Somebody dumped a pile of white crap that those in the disgustingly perky “winter sports are fun!” crowd like to call “awesome powder DUDE” – and they had the nerve to dump it in my driveway! What were they thinking? I am a firm believer that this stuff belongs (a) in the mountains; (b) in snow globes (where it can be pretty for the equivalent of a few seconds before it disappears under some bobble-headed bimbo in the VERY TRADITIONAL winter fur bikini…. hell, I have one – don’t you????); or (c) in the occasional Christmas movie - but that’s about it. Even my kids have been trained to react to any weather forecast containing the word “snow” with the following response: “Mommmmm… that weather guy is swearing again!!”. In my house, THAT is the “s-word”. Being the adaptable person that I am – and rejoicing in the fact that being self-employed means my morning commute is from the coffee maker to my computer – I decide that the best way to cope is to immerse myself in Christmas spirit. What better day to put up the Christmas tree?! I’m already home and how long could it possibly take? Surely not longer than what my commute USED to take when I worked downtown. I can spare the hour before work, right? Luckily, our tree is that stunningly natural, 8-foot “pine”, joyously described as “flame retardant / inflammable” on the tastefully handcrafted cardboard storage box. The only chopping down I have to do involves several yards of cobwebs – and I can do that with my eyes closed (literally). After hauling the tree box and several Rubbermaid storage bins of ornaments up to the living room, it’s time for a break. I mean, decorating the tree is supposed to be accompanied with at least hot chocolate, isn’t it? So, off to the kitchen I go and forsake the coffee maker for some instant cocoa. Since this is a special day, I splurge and use the one with “marshmallows” – and, trust me, that’s in quotes for a reason. I really think the box should say “with added chips of Styrofoam” but, hey, if my kids are willing to believe these are marshmallows, it takes the pressure off me having to produce good quality Rice Krispie treats any time in the foreseeable future. “What? They’re dry? Damn marshmallows!” Ok, steaming cup in hand, I make my way back to the living room and promptly decide that I really should have Christmas music. Since the satellite TV company so thoughtfully provides a channel of exclusive “traditional holiday” tunes, I figure that’s my best choice. After an hour of “Montel”, another hour of “Oprah” and several sweeps through the channel guide, I find the music station. To the strains of “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree”, I bop my way back to the kitchen for another cup of cocoa. The first one seems to have disappeared. I hope the dog burned his tongue. Fresh cup of cocoa and I head back into the living room – only to realize a horrible thing. There is NO room for the tree. Re-arranging the furniture is next on the list – and only takes another couple of hours of trying to decide what to do with the chairs that only barely fit in the room at the best of times – without the added splendor of the “8-foot pine”. After a brief moment of wondering why we really need a couch at all, I finally find a workable arrangement. Then, I plop down in a chair, exhausted from the heavy lifting and begin to think that this whole Christmas nonsense is just highly over-rated. Doesn’t everyone say that it’s getting too commercial??? Yeah, that’s it… I wonder if the kids would go for finding their presents under the “praying it’ll survive the winter” magnolia in the backyard next to the shed? Maybe I could convince them that Santa quit Weight Watchers (apparently the same night I did) and he just couldn’t fit down the chimney this year. With a sigh, I resign myself to the fact that I really can’t destroy the visions of sugarplums that have been dancing in their heads since… ohhhhhhhhh ‘round about July when they started writing their Christmas lists… and I open the cardboard box and get to work. In what seems like no time, the front door opens and the family’s home… calling out their greetings, asking about my day. I am eager to respond with a festive “I put up the Christmas tree!” but, before I have a chance, they are standing behind me. One daughter gives a complimentary “Nice tree stand, Mom… but the trunk pieces look a little crooked” while her sister chimes in with “It’ll look ok once you get some branches on Mom”. And it will – we “work at home” types have a dedication to perfection and are experts at time management. Personally, I just want the same contract Santa’s got… one day of work per year and everything else is done by the elves. Now just TRY to convince the elves to do anything productive when they are 12, 15 and “already past admitting his age”. It’s no wonder nothing ever gets accomplished around here. HO HO “@#$%-ing” HO… now it’s off to work I go. Oh – and I’ll keep you posted on the tree!