Once a cheater… would be ok, right?!

My 12 year old LOVES technology. Microsoft® Publisher is a toy for her. She uses it to create animations. She cares for virtual pets as if they were real. She kicks her family’s collective butt in “Tony Hawk’s Underground” on the PS2. She’s teaching herself html. She’s discovered how to cheat….. Hang on… Things just skidded off the tracks… Cheat? Sighhhhh It’s so easy too. She now Googles cheats for PS2 games and her virtual community games. She wants extra lives, immunity from everything, more points, more tricks, more fun. I watch her and can’t help but think – well CRAP! Don’t we ALL???? I’ve decided that there should be cheats and hacks for real life. I know, I know… some people believe there ARE and they routinely test them out. I truly hope they enjoy watching the world pass by through their bars. However, I do think there are some “cheats” that would be pretty harmless… and, in the process, would make life a helluva lot easier! Here’s a list off the top of my head: The Rose Cheat: Feed beans to husband. Wait 30 minutes. Press firmly on the circular bulge located in the geographic center of his body. For each fart that ensues, you collect one dozen roses. I figure the benefit here is two-fold – you actually get flowers on a regular basis (because we KNOW men are regular!) and the scent will mask the delivery mechanism. The Gas Cheat: No, no! This is in no way related to The Rose Cheat. You can put down the noseplugs! To use this cheat, collect the empty milk jugs resulting from your family’s non-stop trips to the fridge. Each time you clunk a pair of jugs together (not those, honey! They need to be corraled by a good Miracle Bra®!), you receive one gallon of gas for your car. With milk and gas in a race to become entirely unaffordable for a family of four, I’ll be praying for this cheat to work! The ATM Cheat: This cheat was designed by a think-tank of children under the age of five. They have the firm and true belief that, when you need money, you just press the buttons on a machine and it spits out free money. No job, no bank account, no questions asked. Well jeez, I want a piece o’ that! To activate this cheat, slide your card into any ATM. Without error, or assistance of any kind, use the numeric keypad to play the entire intro to Pink Floyd’s “Money”. Successfully complete your quest, without creating a bottleneck of swearing teenagers (who have never heard of Pink Floyd) waiting to use the ATM, and you will be rewarded with a cash amount of your choice. Once you start thinking about it, the list could be endlessly exciting!! The "Self-Cutting Lawn Cheat"! The "No Dirty Dishes in the Sink EVER Cheat"! The "Laundry that Washes Itself Cheat"! The "Stifle the Husband’s Snoring Cheat"! The "Put A Boot Up Someone’s A…" ... no, no… I must stop. I told my daughter that cheating takes the challenge out of everything and, in the end, nothing would be any fun. So, I shall be true to my word. But damn… if anyone’s got a lead on that “Stifle the Husband’s Snoring Cheat” and it somehow involves him still breathing on his own?? I’ll trade you immunity! For a good night’s sleep, my virtue is fluid.