Happy Birthday Baby!

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again… stupid people shouldn’t breed. Ever hear something and just find yourself staring in utter disbelief, unable to process another thought or get a word out edgewise? That happened to me this morning – when I read about the mother who hired a stripper for her son’s 16th birthday. Ok look – just about anyone can be a parent. We’re wired for it. Created in such a way as to ensure the propagation of the species. It’s all in the timing. We’re forced through that wonderful hormonal haze called “puberty” and pop out the other side capable of reproducing in our own likeness. But just because we CAN, doesn’t mean we SHOULD. Most things worth doing have a process to be followed. Try taking a college course without the prerequisite. Try driving a car without instruction. Try getting married without dating. Well, that last one’s been tried many times over but for all the wrong reasons and usually without much success. Doing things “right” usually means taking all the required steps. Let’s drag ourselves back to the disturbing image of a mother hiring a stripper for her son’s birthday. I’m sure plenty of guys (of all ages!) are thinking “Man, that would have been so cool!” I’m as open-minded as the next person (and even more so than some folks I’ve met). I’ve done the trek with the girls to the male strip club. I’ve been to the “adult novelty” home party. Whatever. I’m not offended by these things. I see the humor and fun in participating. As an adult, if I don’t feel comfortable with something or don’t want to “experiment,” I just don’t. It’s called free will. But make no mistake – there is a HELL of chasm between free will and free reign. The mother, from Nashville, has been indicted on criminal charges for hiring a stripper to perform at her son’s birthday bash. There were about 10 minors attending the party. Mom says she wanted to do “something special” for her son. If it weren’t enough that her idea of “special” meant paying a woman to remove all her clothes and wiggle her assets for under-aged boys, MOM TOOK PICTURES! She got nailed for this whole escapade when she tried to have the photos developed at a nearby drug store and they reported her to authorities. What was she going to do with the photos? Add ‘em to the family album?? “See Grandma… this one here’s Junior and Miss Kandy Kane. Junior’s never seen 40DD’s that close up before. He got to appreciate them so much more with her gyratin’ on his lap like that. Ain’t that special?” Kids grow up fast these days. Boys have trouble focusing on 8th grade Math because they’re too busy focusing on the glittery pink thong of the 8th grade girl sitting across from them. Boys used to be mortified by spontaneous erections when the only stimulation was the thought of someone’s older sister floating around in their brain. Nowadays, it’s a wonder they don’t spontaneously combust. Sex isn’t wrong… never was. But sex is very much “in your face” now and that’s not even counting Miss Kandy Kane’s 40DD’s. Just because it’s everywhere, readily accessible or conveniently downloadable doesn’t mean kids are ready for it. They have to take the steps! The Nashville Nutbag said that no one should be able to dictate what she can and cannot show her children. Ok, fine. Let’s forget those bothersome “contributing to the delinquency of a minor and involving a minor in obscene acts” charges and assume for one moment she’s right. She wasn’t just showing HER CHILD. There were 9 other kids at that party and I guarantee that their parents didn’t know about the entertainment in advance. I read notes and invitations. I ask my kids if there will be supervision at a party. Will the parents be home? What’s the likelihood that someone will try to bring in alcohol? Will everyone stay fully clothed? Fine – I don’t actually ask that last one out loud but you gotta know I’m praying. It would never cross my mind to ask “Will there be a stripper? Porn on the big screen TV? Adult webcast, maybe?” It just shouldn’t happen. EVER. It’s a birthday party not a bachelor party! Send a dollar down to Nashville so that mother can buy a clue. She obviously hasn’t got one. Parents are rushing their kids through life now and there’s ever-increasing pressure to up the ante. We haven’t even pushed the watermelon-to-be-named-Junior through the keyhole at the end of 40 weeks and we’ve already lined up his pre-school, date for the senior prom and a stack of college applications. What the hell are we doing?! Maturity is a trip – not a destination. Some people I know still haven’t arrived at the station! Parents are supposed to be the tour guides for their children. Make sure to highlight the important things. Point out the dangers. Supply plenty of options and encourage the best choices. But, ultimately, it’s their trip. As parents, we can only hope they travel safely and benefit from acquired wisdom along the way. The Nashville mother rationalizes her “stripper gift” by saying “It didn’t harm him.” Lady, trust me when I say, you will just never know.