Facets of Fashion

I’m a slave to fashion about as much as the next… well… man, I suppose. I’m one of those curiosities of the female gender that dislikes… no, hates… oh let’s call a spade a spade – I DESPISE shopping. I can think of no bigger waste of my meager free time than wandering aimlessly around a mall, staring at things I either (a) can’t afford, (b) can’t stand, (c) can’t imagine pulling up any higher than my ankles or (d) can’t fathom wearing in a bazillion years. Yet, this doesn’t mean that I don’t have fashion sense. I am not color blind. I am not out of touch with trends. Hell, if I had it, I could conceivably spend inordinate amounts of money on shoes and boots! I mean, everyone needs their vice. But there’s a facet of the “fashion world” that loses me every time… MEN. Bottom line, do they own mirrors? Almost every day of the week, we play the “does this go with this?” game in our house. Thing is, I’m playing it with my husband – not with my kids. The kids seem to have grasped that it DOES matter if you have a toothpaste smudge on your shirt. In fact, they realize that it’s generally a good idea to brush your teeth BEFORE you put the shirt on in the first place. Hubby? Not so much. He figures as long as he’s got a jacket on, the toothpaste won’t be seen. Wonder how that’ll be workin’ for him in the 95-degree heat of August? I have a theory that men don’t really lack fashion sense. Many just possess a greater lack of giving a damn. There’s a world of difference. You know the ones I mean. You’ve seen them. On those trips to the mall, they’ve provided entertainment value. On the beach, they may well have thrown you into cardiac arrest. Someone needs to stop them before anyone gets hurt. Among the worst of the faux pas is the teeny black Speedo with the larger-than-teeny belly. Anyone who’s ever seen this phenomenon has it permanently seared into some remote part of their brain, never to be spoken of again. Men should understand that these “banana hammocks” are meant to be worn by those with the approximate physique of the tree – NOT the physique of the truck that’s going to haul away the crop! The worst offenders pair the Speedo with sandals – and black socks. No need to match your socks to your suit in this case, guys… we can’t see the suit and the socks just look silly. On the flip side, this same rule applies to … SHUDDER … the thong. If the people behind you are wondering if you’re flossing your nether regions, the socks are not going to save you. My husband (thankfully) lacks the confidence to consider wearing such things as Speedos and thongs. We do own at least one full-length mirror to help him out. His weakness lies in understanding what “goes together.” While he does appear to have a grasp of the full color spectrum, he can never decide which ones complement others. I was especially amazed at this question: “What color goes with jeans?” Uh, honey? They’re JEANS. That’s the beauty of ‘em. You really can’t mess it up! At this point, I’m seriously ready for a line of “Grown Up Garanimals.” Anyone who’s around my age should remember Garanimals. This particular line of separates had a little animal card attached to each item. Match up the animals and THERE YOU GO! Fashionably coordinated with an educational game thrown in, just for fun. I’d say, with the adult male, the game should be more motivational than educational – because, as far as I can tell, it doesn’t matter how many times I explain. I’m still over-ruling wardrobe choices. I’d suggest updating the brand name to “Ganatomy”. Instead of jungle animals, the tags will require men to match up T&A! Or even strategically-placed body art! A line that would feature the likes of Eliza Dushku, Carmen Electra, Angelina Jolie, Jessica Alba, Jennifer Aniston and more! I guarantee you that, faster than any guy could begin drooling out the word “boobiessssssss”, we’d be on the arms of the best-dressed men this side of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy!