Witchy Woman

My mom was a witch. Well, not really. My dad and assorted relatives always called my mom a witch because she “sensed” things. She would dream something before it happened. She would get “feelings” about something and they would come true. We joked about it a lot but, in actual fact, it was a tad creepy. On more than one night, I was jolted awake by my mother standing over me, calling my name. She’d been dreaming again… and needed to know I was ok. This was commonplace in our house. In fact, after I got married and moved away, she’d do her “dream checks” by phone. I vividly remember her calling, her voice choked with tears, asking to speak to my daughter. When I tried to find out why, she practically yelled at me “NEVER MIND!!! JUST PUT HER ON THE PHONE… I NEED to speak to her.” Trust me when I say, you didn’t argue with my mother at those times. We learned our lesson about not heeding Mom’s feelings when she told us about a car accident. In the early days of their marriage, Dad worked two jobs. On the weekends, he worked “up north” at a resort hotel in the mountains. He was a bouncer for the hotel bar. Every Monday morning, Mom walked to the bank and deposited his earnings for the weekend. They were saving the money to buy a house. One particular weekend, Mom begged Dad not to go to work at the hotel. She had been having “bad feelings” about him going. He brushed off her concerns and went anyway. The next time Mom heard from him was when the doorbell rang and she opened the door to Dad and a police officer. Dad’s clothes were bloody. He’d fallen asleep at the wheel and driven off the road. He woke as his car rolled down an embankment, threw himself on the floor until he and the car landed, upside down, in the water. Needless to say, my pregnant Mom nearly fainted at the door. The next day, they were driven back to the scene of the accident to recover whatever they could from the car. Some men were gathered on the road. One fellow remarked, “Too bad that guy didn’t survive to tell his story!” – and Dad was standing beside him. All they recovered from that car was a license plate. There are also a few photos – Mom didn’t like to talk about those. Throughout our lives, we were reminded about Mom’s superstitions. She’d freak if we put a new pair of shoes on the counter. BAD LUCK! She had a fit at a voyeuristic owl looking in the kitchen window. DEATH! Mom’s superstitions were always about the bad things. I don’t really recall her having as much faith in good luck charms. Since her passing, Mom’s house is now on the market. We regularly check on it, clean, open windows and such to keep it pleasing for visitors. A few weeks ago, on one such visit, I nearly had a heart attack. I was on my way to the basement with the vacuum when I heard my husband let out a yell from the laundry room. It’s a damn good thing I don’t open my mouth too wide when I speak because I would have likely swallowed a freaking BIRD! It had frantically sought refuge from my husband by flying like a maniac up the back stairs… and right INTO my head! Without a care for my cardiac condition, it continued up into the kitchen where upon it began dirty dancing with the screen of the window I’d just opened. Finding that less than satisfying, it landed on the curtain rod to sulk. I swallowed my heart and managed to ask my husband to go up into the kitchen and open the screen to set it free. We figured we were done with such events. UNTIL I got a call from the real estate agent a week or so later telling me that another agent had made a visit … and, lo and behold, dead birds in the house. I sent my husband. My heart can only take so much. My mother would have lost her mind. Birds were bad enough, in her witchy book, but DEAD BIRDS? There was a very plausible explanation for the birds that has prompted me to do the following. I am going to re-write some of Mom’s superstitions with explanations that I can live with and accept. If I don’t, I may never again set foot in the house where I grew up…. Mom’s Superstition: A wild bird flying into the house brings an important message. My Explanation: A wild bird flying in the house will smack you in the head to remind you that, when removing a washer and dryer from a laundry room, it’s a good idea to close the vent! Mom’s Superstition: An itchy palm means you’ll be getting money. My Explanation: An itchy anything means you’ll be getting a bath. Mom’s Superstition: A dropped fork means a man’s coming to visit. My Explanation: A dropped fork means a man’s already IN the kitchen – and he better remember to put it in the dishwasher. Mom’s Superstition: Putting new shoes on the counter or table brings bad luck. My Explanation: Putting new shoes on the counter, table or anywhere else means you’re lucky enough to have money for new shoes. Mom’s Superstition: Cows lying down means it’s going to rain. My Explanation: Cows lying down means tired cows. Mom’s Superstition: A knife placed under the bed during childbirth can ease the pains of labor. My Explanation: Sure can! It adds greater drama to the writhing and screeching and threatening your man about NEVER HAVING SEX WITH HIM AGAIN.