Make way for WOW!

Well, it’s official. I’m creating a union. It’s called WOW. That’s Worn Out Women, in case you wondered – and we’re goin’ on strike! WOW members meet some or all of the following criteria: 1. You are female – That goes without saying but let’s stick to protocol, shall we? 2. You have family – Under subsection 2(a) of our soon-to-be-enacted by-laws, “family” shall be defined as “any individual, related by blood, sweat, tears or marriage, who is incapable of forming a sentence that does not include the words “I need” or “I want.” 3. You hold down multiple jobs – and few (possibly none) come with the added perk of a paycheck. Among these occupations, you may find: cook (usually short order), maid (or maybe I’m the only one living with people whose arms are too short to reach laundry hampers and waste baskets?), accountant (preferred title: “juggler” – makes it sound like WAY more fun than it really is), personal shopper (those individuals defined under subsection 2(a) seriously complicate this job), chauffeur (on demand, no set hours), dog walker/pooper scooper (a challenging, multi-tasking position – there’s a high stress level in trying to figure out where to hide a baggie full of dog crap when your new neighbor walks up to say hello). 4. You are sleep-deprived – Unfortunately, this is not as a result of staying out late at lavish dinner parties. More likely, you get little to no sleep because: (a) You have a significant other that sleeps extremely well. You can tell this person is sleeping extremely well by the ear-piercing volume of their snoring or by measuring their “wing span” as they are spread-eagled across the bed. You are able to take said measurements at 3 a.m. since your ass got tossed onto the floor and you’ve got nowhere else to go anyway. (b) The family dog can’t tell time. You’d actually feel bad for the pooch if he HAD TO PEE. He just thinks that the middle of the night is a good time to patrol the back yard and leaves you standing bleary-eyed, in your robe, hissing out the door like a tire with a slow leak. “Ssssstop sssssniffing ssssstupid!!! I need sssssleep!” (c) You’re on your knees in the hallway, cleaning up the spaghetti you had for dinner. Why in the hallway, you may ask? Ask the sniffling little person whose nightie artistically displays the salad and dessert. Try going to sleep after THAT spectacle. 5. You haven’t been able to locate where they dole out all this “free time” you’ve heard so much about. Then again, if it’s free, it’s probably out of stock. Try to get a raincheck. Maybe some day, in the next millennium, you’ll be able to use it. Just watch out for those flying pigs on your way to cash it in and be careful not to slip because it really WILL have frozen over. If, after reviewing the criteria, you think WOW is for you, join right up at any time. There are no forms to fill out (we are already up to our eyeballs in those from schools, clubs and insurance companies), no dues to pay (trust me when I say we’ve “paid our dues” a million times over) and no picket lines (we’re just too damn tired to even fathom that one). Instead, our strike will consist of sitting on the couch, feet up on the coffee table (only WE can decide who can do that) having a serious conversation with (pick your favorite here) Mr. Earl Grey or Mr. Jack Daniels. Those falling under subsection 2(a) can bloody well fend for themselves.