Newfangled May Day

Early this morning, I was half-listening to my daughters through a “haven’t had coffee yet” induced fog. They were talking about it being May Day. Wow. May already?! How the hell did I manage to miss April? Anyway, one of them jokingly said something about dancing around a May Pole. Lack of caffeine and inadequate sleep habits take a toll on my brain sometimes. I stood there and laughed myself silly. They had inadvertently reminded me of something I saw just yesterday, at the grocery store of all places. Let’s back up a step. May Day. In Pagan times, people celebrated May 1st as a day of rebirth after a barren winter. Young men and women threw decorum to the wind and danced around a phallic May Pole. This was supposed to encourage fertility -- all the while, under the watchful eye of a King and Queen. Yeah… sure… nothing gets those procreative juices flowing like being ogled by some stodgy old dude and his wife. Anyway, jump forward to me standing in the grocery store, glancing around the announcements board while waiting for the other half to finish settling up with the cashier. In the midst of a bazillion little cards hawking used cars, boats, trailers, houses and furniture, I noticed a large sheet of paper with the title “Erotic Dance Lessons for Ladies.” Well! I’m sure those five words would curl the hair of some women faster than a bad home perm. What they might not realize is that there’s a whole burgeoning industry out there where other women are striving to become the chicks they smack their men for staring at in a strip club. Some “adult stores” have offshoot businesses (no pun intended) where they are teaching women to lap dance or, in celebration of the day, pole dance. Our newspaper featured one such enterprise not so long ago and the owner said she couldn’t offer enough classes to stave off the demand. I guess there are a lot of adventurous women around who are willing to go the distance and step out of their comfort zone to keep their relationships bumping and grinding. But what about the others? The women who can’t even bring themselves to look – without blushing – at shirtless, ripped abs strolling past them on the beach? Women who think that only “bad girls” dare to leave the lights on? They’ll never be signing up for those erotic dance lessons with “Heather.” Or, on the flip side, how about the ladies who might love to give a lap dance… if only they could still find their man’s lap when he’s sitting down?! I’m thinking that may just necessitate a whole new kind of “belly” dance. This brings me back to the grocery store. Standing there looking at the poster made me realize that some women are willing to pay a stiff price (ok so THAT pun was intended!) to please their men. They just don’t always have the nerve to do it. Not everyone can stroll confidently into "Ye Old Sex Shoppe" or even make eye contact with the mailman as he delivers their PBW (that’s plain brown wrapper for you non-online shoppers). So what are they to do? Never have any fun?? Hardly. All it takes is a little ingenuity. As grown women, we grocery shop. Has anyone ever been mortified about walking into their local supermarket? I seriously doubt it. Use this to your advantage! Why pay for expensive body paints in exotic flavors when a stroll through the sundae toppings will do? I mean, don’t most people prefer chocolate anyway?! Most men I’ve spoken to will admit to the desire to take edible lingerie for a test drive. Head over to the fruit roll-ups! A few boxes of those and a good pair of scissors and you’ve just saved yourself a bundle. The produce department alone could offer up a wealth of possibilities. The bonus is that, if you should happen upon your Great Aunt Matilda while she’s queuing up to pay for her crumpets and Cream of Wheat, you don’t have to worry. Tell her you’re shopping for your kids’ lunches – she’ll believe you. So, ladies, if you’ve lived through a pretty … uh … barren winter, get out there and celebrate May Day! With tongue firmly planted in cheek, I make you this promise. You supply those groceries and I guarantee your man will supply the May Pole – and you won’t need the “Heather’s” of this world to teach you how to dance!