If you sell it, they will come?

Our town has instituted a new by-law surrounding garbage… oops, sorry… GARAGE sales. Where it used to be a summer-long activity, yard sale-ing is now restricted to two weekends per season – one in June, one in September. Husbands everywhere are rejoicing. Their “hauling s*%t to the curb” jobs have just been severely downsized. I know, I’m being harsh. Garage sales are actually a lot of fun. To visit. Not so much fun to hold. I should know – I’ve had several over the years. My first-ever yard sale netted me about $1,000. Needless to say, I was a convert. I suddenly saw the value to lugging years worth of collected crap out onto my driveway and front lawn to show complete strangers just how much stuff I can squeeze into one single-family home. I was always a phenomenal suitcase packer. Moving into a bungalow was a serious upgrade. I never have to sit on the roof to be able to lock the doors. A lot of people see yard sales as a chance to find that “priceless item destined for the Antiques Roadshow.” I mean, who wouldn’t want to appear on national TV with a butt-ugly objet d’art, only to be told that “unfortunately there are the REAL Monet’s and there are FAKES – guess which one you’ve got?!” While there are definitely hidden treasures and truly valuable items held by folks who haven’t got a clue what’s gathering dust in the basement, the odds of finding something worth serious coin are low. But that doesn’t stop the stalwart. People have asked me how I’ve managed to make money holding garage sales. People have also told me what I “won’t” be able to sell – clothing being at the top of the list. This isn’t at all true. At my first sale, I sold a table load of baby clothes as well as some business suits and maternity outfits. So much for their theory! Thing is, I learned how to do a yard sale by attending a few others first – and then proceeding to do the exact opposite. Apparently, too many people subscribe to these rules: Garage Sale Guide #1: I WILL FORGET HOW TO DO LAUNDRY. To successfully sell clothing, please wash it and, if necessary, iron it. No one is going to believe that pair of pants is wrinkled from being handled by potential purchasers. Those pants are wrinkled from being manhandled by hubby’s belly! No one is going to believe that those colorful marks on the baby sleepers are fabric paint designs. They’re baby food originals, courtesy of strained peas, pureed carrots and an infant with a strong gag reflex. Garage Sale Guide #2: IF IT AIN’T BROKE, WE AIN’T SELLIN’ IT. There’s nothing I need more than a drip coffeemaker that just drips. A radio that only gets good reception if I hold on to the “free with purchase” wire coat hanger, stand on one foot, wiggle my nose and chant to the gods of the airwaves. Books that are missing the first 20 pages – “don’t matter… it don’t get good ‘til about Chapter 3 anyway!” Take note - If YOU can’t possibly use the item you’re selling, what makes you think I CAN? There’s a world of difference between bargain and bin-worthy. Garage Sale Guide #3: I WILL ENTICE YOU OUT OF YOUR CAR WITH MY ANIMAL MAGNETISM. In the spirit of all that is good and right, gentlemen please wear a shirt! A fellow down the street from us had his sale last weekend and evidently decided that walking around shirtless, beer belly bouncin’, would have the ladies swarming to his front yard. I mean, how can you NOT want to stand around debating prices with a complete stranger and his gall bladder scar? Yuck. I put a lot of time and effort into my past garage sales. I washed, ironed, cleaned and priced until I could do no more. I set up early and offered free, fresh-brewed coffee. I chatted, smiled and made deals so people would buy just a few more items – especially the ones I had no desire to lug back into the house. I also… uh… made my kids stand a block away from home... in the heat... on opposing sidewalks... holding poster boards... driving folks we’d never, EVER want to see again straight to our front yard. OK FINE – I got a tad bit over-zealous. At least when people got here, I was wearing a shirt.