Renovating Christmas

Have you ever woken up one morning, smacked yourself in the head (a la “I coulda had a V-8”) and screamed “What the HELL was I thinking?!?” No, I’m not referring to an alcohol-induced hangover – this is “home renovation hangover”. Who, in their right friggin’ mind, decides to have renovations done in December… aka “Christmas Stress Central”?!? Well, apparently, ME. Now I’m seriously waivering on the question of whether or not my mind works at all. We needed our basement done. Long story short – I bought a house whose previous occupant was in a wheelchair and hadn’t seen the basement in at least three years, poor soul. I accepted that. I knew there would be work involved. I liked the house, liked the neighborhood, liked the location – “I’ll deal with the basement,” said I. Such a cavalier attitude. What did I know? I should have had a clue what I was getting into when I showed up at the front door for the very first time and not ONE of the 93875983475 keys she gave me would open the door (OR anything else, for that matter). Had to call a locksmith to get me into my OWN house. Then, on the kitchen counter, I found a note telling me that a “few things” were left downstairs because no one could come and throw them out for her. Again, feeling bad for the woman, I thought “OK… can’t be much, right?” Well! Slap my ass and call me stupid. It looked exactly the same as the day I made the offer. Not one inch of dust had even been disturbed. Had to rent a dumpster to get me into my OWN house. Once moved in, and being that I’m self-employed, the first priority had to be a workspace for me. Once moved in, and being that I’m self-employed, you quickly realize you can’t afford to buy the house AND build an office. So, just like each office in each house that preceded it, I set myself up in a lovely unfinished corner downstairs, complete with lack of insulation, natural light or any of that self-indulgent nonsense…and waited. Waited until the money could be set aside. Waited for the right time to do the job. I realize now that home renovation is pretty much the same as getting pregnant – you’ll never have enough money and there’s never a right time. Heed the words of Larry The Cable Guy. GIT-R-DONE! Here I sit. Weeks before Christmas, I’m working in a cramped corner of my bedroom, surrounded by boxes, lamps and other “can’t get broke” accoutrements. The family dog sleeps in a kennel in the kitchen (because it won’t damn well FIT anywhere else), one daughter can’t open her curtains because there are divider screens standing in the corner of her room, resting against the window. The bathtub faucet has a constant trickle of hot water and my husband has a constant trickle of profanity. There is frequently no pressure in the bathroom sink (other than his blood pressure, that is). Oh… and the other day, the phones weren’t working. The only one who is happy with the current situation is the younger daughter – she got a computer in her room that wasn’t there before. For ONE of us, Christmas came early. Rather than lose what’s left of my sanity, I’m amusing myself with Christmas carols. No, no… not the usual ones. These ones I’m making up as I go along. The tunes are all the same but the words are just slightly different. Here’s the first one. Feel free to sing along. PLEASE. Misery loves company. I’ll post more as my mind melts. Elaine's carol #1: "Renovate" Sung to the tune of "Jingle Bells" Dashing through the dust On the way to the machines The laundry's not been done For at least a week, it seems The kids have no more clothes The husband's not too keen On wearing his old boxer shorts Through which his "stuff" is seen OH! Renovate, renovate, you have lost your mind Now is not the time of year to be in such a bind OH! Renovate, renovate, you have lost your mind Nothing's done, no room to move, never been so behind! A month or two ago I called up the man It seemed like a good time To execute my plan A basement to be built End to end? Who cares! How disruptive could it be If we all stay upstairs? OH! Renovate, renovate, you have lost your mind Now is not the time of year to be in such a bind OH! Renovate, renovate, you have lost your mind Nothing's done, no room to move, never been so behind! OH! Christmas time, Christmas time, don't tear your house to shreds Wait for spring or summer or take vacation time instead OH! Christmas time, Christmas time, is NOT the time to build How the hell will Santa find the stockings to be filled?!?!