Nominee!
Best Blog, Best
Personal Blog &
Best Family Blog
Canadian Blog Awards


Blog Of The Day Awards Winner


Finalist!
Best Canadian Blog


Nominee!
Best New &
Best Humour Blog



Published at
ParentingHumor.com


Parent's Home Office



Tell a friend:



If you are linking to "Thoughts2Page" on your website, please feel free to copy and use this button:



My Photo
Name:
Location: Quebec, Canada

Elaine's writing has finally tumbled into cyberspace! After writing content under the radar for other websites, she is coming clean and tagging her opinions, humor and sarcasm with her own name.

If you like what you read (or even if you don't), Elaine would love to hear from you. Click on the "Comments" link at the end of any entry or email her and put your own "thoughts2page"! If you really like what you read, be sure to tell a friend!

Email Feedback!
"Love your stuff! ... your comments are spot on"...DB, Canada

"...thoroughly enjoyed your comments and very honest outlook on life. Very well done, keep up the good work."...KS, UK

"Your stuff just gets better and better!" ...JH, USA

"I Love this! I don't think I can get enough of your writing. I like your style!"...SS, USA

"Great - now the people at my new job think I'm the village idiot who sits at her desk in the morning and laughs - ALONE!" ...DH, Canada


Powered by Blogger

Site Feed

Creative Commons Licence

Blogarama - The Blog Directory

blog search directory

Listed on BlogsCanada


Humor & fun cool stuff

Flookie Blog Search

Blog Directory & Search engine

Blog-Sweet

FindingBlog - Blog Directory

Saturday, February 18, 2006

Trojan Tactics

A mother and daughter experience many watershed moments in their relationship. Moments that begin with first steps, first haircuts, first teeth and somehow, in the blink of an eye, segue into first dates, first periods and first heartbreaks. My elder daughter and I shared one such moment just recently – albeit not exactly a run of the mill happening, I’m sure. Let’s call it “First Exposure to the Condom Aisle.”

No, no, no… neither one of us were actually in the market. Me, because I hate the balloon-y little buggers and certainly NOT her. If she WERE to be in the market, she would find herself quickly ushered into her bedroom from which she would not emerge until she reaches legal age, thereby seriously crushing any further attempts I might make to control… oops… give her advice.

Anyway, I was innocently looking for some pedicure products in a pharmacy that I don’t usually frequent. She was helping me look. We found them, for some unknown reason, in the same aisle as the condoms and various other “down there” kinda things. I swear I heard her ass cheeks SLAM together out of the sheer panic of it all.

My “maternal side” ignored the display to my left and focused on the products to my right. My daughter, who looked for all the world like she was channeling a tomato or about to have her head pop right off due to increasing blood pressure, tried to focus on my asinine conversation about heel creams. My “sadistic bitch” side loved the fact that she would have rather been washing the store’s floor with her TONGUE than standing between her mother and a huge display of condoms.

After a few minutes, her butt must have started to unclench. She started to ease up some and was joking about the sheer “ookiness” of the whole aisle. We laughed like kindergartners about why on earth they would stock foot products, jock itch cream, and bug-itch-remedy-imbedded swabs all in the same place. My theory is that they decided to throw in the condoms with everything else that makes folks squirm.

After bypassing a $35 foot cream and opting for a $10 version, I launched into action. “Hey! Check it out! They have TROPICAL condoms!”

My daughter developed an immediate and intense interest in some overstock herbal teas that were being stored on the very top shelf. I brushed past her, heading for the Trojans, as she muttered something about how maybe we needed more Echinacea tea (mind you, we never had any in the first place).

“Wow! Tropical colors AND flavors, it says!” I think she was beginning to dissolve into a puddle of sweat. Then I got on a roll.

“OH LOOK! They have that “warming massage” stuff here too”… until I read the directions and realized (with some disappointment) that it’s the same ole personal lubricant it’s always been. I guess, if you’re “massaging” it in the area for which it’s intended, the “warming” is a given.

As I stood there in front of a display of products for which I have no conceivable use, something changed. I sensed her moving a little closer. She seemed to realize that one of us wasn’t the least bit embarrassed about browsing. At that moment, I decided to pick up the new packaging that’s specifically targeted at women. Condoms, “freshening cloths” and a nifty little carrying case. Quite an improvement over the guys’ approach – condom, a tshirt or (heaven forbid) a sock and a pronounced circle on the back of their wallet. We discussed the fact that, of course, when they’re destined for women, they definitely cost more and then I noticed her glance shift. “Tropical, huh?” she said. I just nodded. Then, she actually reached out, picked up a package and said, “here Mom – how ‘bout THESE? Read what it says!”

So, I did. What had my previously panicked, incredibly uncomfortable, pretending to be naïve daughter handed me?

Condoms with a vibrating ring.

Woooo-howdy. I felt my ass cheeks SLAM together out of the sheer panic of it all.

Comments on "Trojan Tactics"

 

post a comment

Google