"Manbreze"

You know how you react when you enter a home and are immediately assaulted with Parfum de Kitty Litter? You might be inclined to delicately cover your nose, politely look around and say, “You said you have a cat, didn’t you?” or you might unconsciously blurt out, “Here kitty kitty!” – in which case you pretty much have to pray that there IS a cat in the house. Many other smells can be equally unwelcoming… Scent de Cigarette, Droplets de Diaper Pail or perhaps, Eau de Toilet (in which case, I really DO mean toilet water). Companies offer us innumerable solutions to these nasal assailants. Sprays, mists, potpourri, scent-carrying fans, fabric sprays… you name it, someone’s successfully waving it under our noses as we strive to maintain an air of freshness. Sometimes it seems like a losing battle. In fact, the other day I decided that, in addition to the currently popular “Febreze”®, we must have a new product – “Manbreze.” I have the perfect, very obvious advertising slogan too: “A Man Lives Here”. That’s all they need to say and women will be buying the stuff by the gallon. Hell, on the worst days, we may even pour it in a fancy glass, over ice, and drink it. A sniff tour around your house should be enough to convince you that you can’t live without this product. Mine went something like this: Entrance: Sneakers… sniff sniff… OWWWWWW! Why do I have this huge bump on my head??? WHAT? I fainted?! I promptly grabbed the barbecue tongs and sent those stink bombs to live OUTSIDE. I’ll have to remember to apologize to the neighbors and suggest that they might want to close their windows. Closet: Work jacket… sniff sniff… UGH!!!! DOES HE REMEMBER THIS THING IS WASHABLE?! Please tell me that the crunching sound I just heard was a candy bar wrapper in the pocket and not the crustiness of the pits! Bedroom: Dirty socks and underwear… you don’t honestly believe I’ll even come close to sniffing THOSE, do you? They emit a freakin’ toxic glow as it is! My face will go nowhere in that vicinity, thank you. Work clothes, rolled up in a ball in the corner… holy crap, I’m SURE I just saw them move!!!!! After whacking the daylights out of them with my slipper, I use a hanger to poke at them and make sure nothing comes slithering out. Somewhat reassured that nothing is going to crawl up my leg, I manage to work each item into the hamper. Yes, hamper. NOT basketball net. NOT putting green.HAMPER! I attach a quick note: “If you take your best shot and miss, the damn things STILL have to go inside. You have NO problem bending over to show off your hairy butt, model your plumber’s crack or to more effectively launch your best fart flotilla… while you’re down there, help me out a little.” Bathroom: I attempt to walk through the doorway but, instead, find myself firmly on my butt in the hallway. What the HELL? Did we install a glass door that I didn’t know about? Nope. I have come face to face with the room-filling, gag-inducing, dreaded WALL OF WASTE. I’m sure I don’t have to explain which “waste” I’m talking about but let’s just say that no amount of furious flushing is going to clear THIS air. Oh sure, I tried the sprays… and he even tried to use them too. But, as our daughter quite aptly observed, “Green-apple-scented poop is even grosser than the regular kind.” Sighhhhhhhhhh At this point, I can’t take anymore. I need help! I’ve washed, I’ve scrubbed, I’ve aired, I’ve disinfected, I’ve cleaned… but I am no match for this challenge. It’s a beast with a life of its own! It’s a mountain that can’t be climbed! Nawww… it’s just a pig that happily wallows around in its own… stuff… totally oblivious to his pig-dom. Bring on the solution! Someone sell me some “Manbreze” to flow through my house and miraculously eliminate every disgusting odor… because, in spite of my very best efforts, “A MAN LIVES HERE!”