Three's a Crowd

WOW! Look at all the DUST! * dances around with the handy dandy electrostatic dusting gizmo which shall remain nameless, just like the nutbars on the commercials * Phew… that’s better. I didn’t know where to sit down. Anyway… I know, I know… it’s been awhile. Sorry I’ve been conspicuous by my absence. Life got in the way again, dammit. I’m pleased to report that THE CONTRACTORS HAVE LEFT THE BUILDING. Thank you, thank you very much. Of course, things still aren’t “finished” because now WE have to jump in and do our thing -- and between work, kids, errands, appointments, groceries, and all that other “stuff”, I barely have enough time to fit in the sheer exhaustion to which I’m so deeply and devotedly attached! But here I am – did ya miss me?? I’ve noticed that I’ve developed a preoccupation with numbers lately. They swim around in my head and take turns doing cannonballs off the diving board in an attempt to be the current needy child… you know, the “Watch me!Watch me!Watch me!” kid that won’t let you have a conversation without first performing the dreaded (and disgusting) “booger blow.” Predominantly, I seem to have an attachment to the #3… #3 – the number of lunches I am now required to make since my husband is currently doing sporadic on-the-job training and I can’t, in good conscience, let him starve. If you’ve been reading along here for any length of time, you know how much I absolutely LOVE this particular chore. So, of course, I had to hold back from lighting sparklers and throwing confetti when he informed me that this number was going up from 2 to 3 on a daily basis. #3 – the number of new rooms in the house that must now be organized and then kept clean. And I paid for this privilege. Through the nose. I’m such a smart one. Oh cripes… I forgot to include the utility/laundry room in that count! Add more 3’s! #3 – the number of loads of laundry that I do per day. Yet, 274637883002 is the number of loads I quite sincerely believe I MUST have done by week’s end. Laundry is one of the tasks that I truly don’t mind. I am fabulous at wash, dry and fold. I majorly suck at putting away. It takes too long, it’s boring as all hell and I can’t open anyone’s dresser drawer without finding a mish mash of clothes that were examined and rejected with the ever-so-popular “roll up in a ball and toss back” punishment being applied. Hence, the next #3 – the number of laundry baskets I own that are almost always full of clean clothes. #3 – the number of family members for whom I DO laundry. They have yet to work their way through the hyper-sensitive learning curve that is “How to discuss my laundry with Mom.” One daughter asked on a Monday, “Mom, if I wear these jeans today, what are the chances that they will be clean again by Friday?” Ignoring the ridiculous (and insulting) implication, I stifled the urge to suggest that she lick them clean and opted instead to tell her that the odds would be excellent if she were doing her own damn laundry. She gave me one of those “so surprised that your eyebrows can’t arch any higher” looks. Gee, I must have offended her sensibilities. My husband, for his part, has learned not to ask if or when I’m planning to wash his clothes. He quickly learned that suggesting something needs doing REALLY pisses me off. At that point, I would have no recourse but to “forget” to do his laundry all together. This would lead to his catwalk display of the ever-so-flattering Fall Down Fashions… socks, shorts, you name it. He’s too sexy for elastic. #3 – the number of months remaining until Daughter #1 officially becomes old enough to get a driver’s license. Not to mention that Daughter #1’s Boyfriend #1 has evidently passed the theory part of Driver’s Ed and is well on his way to HIS license. Is there some sort of #3 haircolor that completely covers grey hair??? If there is, leave it in my bathroom, please, right next to the Parental Trinity – Tums®, Pepto-Bismol® and Grey Goose®. Amen.